📡 AscensionTelevision.com

The Broadcast Within the Broadcast

Welcome to AscensionTelevision.com — your favorite 4D streaming vortex, quantum-entangled with the red rocks of Sedona and tuned to the frequency of your third eye (even if it’s a bit calcified).

Here, reality gets a soft reboot. We mix animated metaphysical comedy, authentic Sedona ads, fourth-density satire, tarot-infused transmissions, and the occasional psychic weather report — all into a highly watchable ascension timeline.

🚧 Site Under Construction

AscensionTelevision.com is currently operating in placeholder mode while the full multidimensional network is being lovingly assembled behind the veil.

This page is a preview transmission — a taste of what’s to come. The full vortex-verified broadcast hub is on its way, complete with shows, satire, metaphysical merch, and maybe a rogue AI oracle or two.

Until then, enjoy this sacred sneak peek... and keep your third eye tuned for updates.

🎬 Core Offerings

Ascension Television™ is what happens when Gaia TV, Adult Swim, and a spiritual meme page enter a wormhole.

🌈 Animated spiritual comedies like Planet Sedona™ — a sacred sitcom where undercover starseeds fail upward.
🛍️ Real ads for Sedona's finest healers, psychics, spas, and off-grid kombucha dealers.
🔮 Tarot decks you can actually hold in this dimension (for now).
🤖 Spoof commercials that are so real, they’re fake. Or the other way around.

Coming Soon

Planet Sedona™ is our flagship show — think sacred geometry meets Saturday morning cartoon.

Follow Majestic and Solara as they navigate:

Confused tourists
Astral attacks
Tantric misfires
And a job from the Galactic Council they may or may not remember signing up for

It’s part mission, part mishap, all metaphysical.

Coming soon:

Disclosure Tonight™ — Breaking news, poorly translated from the Pleiades.
Echo™ — Our glitchy AI oracle who speaks in channeled TikToks.
The Sedona Scrolls™ — The animated prophecy that’s already happened.

🔮 Our Decks

The Sedona Tarot Deck™: Sacred archetypes, cosmic laws, and enough humor to pierce the veil.

The Planet Sedona Satire Deck™: Featuring:

The Crystal Cruncher
The New Age Groupies

Collect them. Read them. Laugh until you integrate your shadow.

🛍️ Real Ads. Really Funny.

We feature actual Sedona businesses (with their permission or by divine synchronicity):

Namti Spa — Release your tension... and maybe a past life or two.
The Sundowner — Half-price tequila, full-price awakening.
Java Love — Caffeinate your lightbody.

And mix them with premium metaphysical satire like:

Ascension Smoothies™ – With 144,000 probiotics and a splash of starseed.
Past Life Insurance – Because karma isn’t always forgiving.
The Retrograde Dating App – Where you always match with someone you almost cleared a contract with.

📡 Want to Collaborate?

Want your real product, place, or podcast featured between spoof ads and animated enlightenment?

Email: info@ascensiontelevision.com

🔐 Digital Copyright & Authorship Proof

File: hash.zip

SHA-256 Hash:
787c1bb6e6920bb57edf22de4b769df9399c0f221c408677d1b07cc3132c7e02

Timestamp (UTC):
2025-04-13T04:57:00Z

This confirms authorship and integrity of the original creative archive. Protected by U.S. copyright, blockchain, and the Council of Nine™.

Ascension Television – The Broadcast Within the Broadcast